Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It feels like a bad dream that i cant wake up from...

On Sunday morning 8/2/09 i woke up feeling normal, i went to church and came home. During church i kept feeling like i had to go #2 the entire time, when i got home i went to the bathroom and when i pushed my water broke. My sister Camilla was living with me she called the ambulance. They took me to Mercy Gilbert hospital (my sister mom & dad met me there) in triage the doctor told me that i was dilated to a 10 & baby A's sack had been ruptured and i was going to deliver both the babies within 15 mins and they would both be born alive and i would hold both, but both would pass away within 1 hour. The only thing i could think about was that i was going to have to go through this entire process alone, without my husband, I felt so alone and helpless. When they took me to labor and delivery another doctor came in and checked me and said that i was only at a 2! I was soo happy and this was the 1st time i had hope that i might not loose both my babies. Tim flu in the next morning, on the first flight out from North Carolina. Over the next 4 days i had lots of blood work, ultrasounds & the babies heart was monitored all several times daily. Both the heart beats were strong even though baby A's sack had basically no fluid in it, the doctors told me that there was a chance that the sack could seal its self and the fluid would fill back up, they also said that some babies can live without a full sack of fluid...everything was an 'if'. Everything leaned on if i would develop an infection...& if so they would induce me. On 8/6/09 i woke up with some contractions...but today i was finally 20 weeks pregnant and could finally be excepted by PPA (its a high risk group of doctors) and since Mercy Gilbert told me daily that there was nothing they could do to stop the contractions and that i had to let nature take its course i was more then ready to be discharged. We went to PPA in Mesa and while at the doctors office (with no meds) i went into labor with my son and delivered right on the chair where you would get your Pap done. My Mom and Tim were at my side. While i was delivering the doc called an ambulance and as soon as i delivered i was able to hold my son for less then 5 mins and we where takin away in separate ambulances' to Banner Desert. That was the last time i saw my son alive. He was 10 ounces & 9 inches long, tiny, but with perfect, little everything.
When i arrived at Banner Desert everything was then pushed into high gear to save baby B since her sack was still perfect. She needed to stay in me until week 24 (at that point she can be delivered and had a chance at life). They put me on magnesium (its a major muscle re-laxer ) i couldnt move my body at all, it makes you feel paralyzed, it makes you have hot & cold flashes & you cant see because your eyes are so relaxed, i honestly felt like i was going to die. They would also give my about 5-6 shots daily of terbutaline, all to stop the contractions & keep baby B inside for as long as possible. Over the next couple days i showed positive signs of no infection and was given hope daily that i might be able to save my daughter. On 8/8/09 i was given a spinal and went in to surgery get my cervix sewed up and would hopefully remain on bed rest as long as possible without getting an infection. On 8/9/09 i woke up in the morning having a hard time breathing, i was consciously having to think about every breath, i started shaking uncontrollably and was all the sudden freezing, this went on for several hours then at one point about 5 doctors and several nurses came in and kept looking at my finger nails (i guess they had turned blue) they explained to me that i had developed ARDS (my lungs had fluid in them) & i had developed an infection and i had to be induced, now. As i was run to the ICU the lung doctor had pulled Tim and my mom and dad aside and advised them what he didnt tell me about ARDS. He advised them that i had a 50/50 chance of survival. During this time i was in the ICU and they got me stabilized and started the induction process. They gave me an epidural so that it would help clam down my shaking and breathing so that i could deliver without passing out. My Mom and Tim were in the room when i delivered my daughter. She was 11 ounces 10 inches. After almost 10 days in the hospital without one second to think about what was actually happening to me i finally got to hold my perfect daughter in my arms. Her heart was beating & she could wrap her long little fingers around my finger and squeeze. It was amazing, i could finally hold my baby girl. Since i could hardly breath on my own i knew that if i broke down and cried the way i wanted to that the nurse would have to take her away from me and stabilize me again, so i had to hold my little girl with no tears. We watched her heart beat for a little over an hour. We held her, i looked at every inch of her body and tried to memorize everything about her warm body. She was so perfect. She had every feature needed, she had my lips and nose. Her shoulders legs feet and hands were Tim's. She didnt cry, open her eyes, or even move much at all...Tim and i just held her close.
Daily my lungs started to clear up and showed less and less fluid & the infection was going away. It was the hardest being in the hospital for just my health knowing that even if i am tuff and stick it out i am still going home empty handed.
I felt like if i wrote about what happened it will make me feel just that little bit better and i wont have to explain everything to everyone. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.

17 comments:

  1. Eve, I can't even begin to fathom how incredibly difficult this loss must be for you, I was absolutely devastated when I heard what you were going through!!! I know me along with most the whole ward was praying for you daily, and I am so so happy that you are okay! You are incredible and so so strong! I'm sure you are getting bombarded with questions and help, etc. but PLEASE PLEASE let me know if you need ANYTHING at all!!! I am so so sorry!!!

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  2. We continue to pray for you and Tim, hopefully you feel some comfort and love. we love you

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  3. We are so sorry for all that you both have been through. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

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  4. we are praying and thinking about you daily. you will hold your little ones again. that is the great plan of eternal families and of salvation. i love you. hugs across the miles.

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  5. Hey girlie, it good to hear from you. I have been thinking about you everyday since all this started a few weeks ago. I love you guys so much and Im sorry that I couldnt be there, im sure Titus and Blake were beautiful, you guys are in my prayers daily. Im glad that you are feeling better, call when you can.. Love Jenny

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  6. ok that last post was not from adam .. It from ME!!! Sorry he was logged on my computer !!

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  7. Hey sis, Its good to hear from you. Im glas to hear your lungs are doing better. Im so sorry about your beautiful little babies. I know none of us know what your going through. If you need any help or a shoulder to cry on or to laugh with what ever it may be Im here for you. You are an amazing person and we love you. You made my brother the wonderful husband he is to you. When I seen him at the hosptital I was amazed by how much he has grown and was all about getting you better and home and not leaving you. I love you both. God bless the 2 of you!!!

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  8. i wont lie the entire time i read this post i was crying. eve you are the strongest girl i have ever met. when me and brent came and saw you i thought to myself wow heavenly father loves this girl alot because i could just tell he was there giving you strength and comfort. i am glad you got to see your babies and i know they know they have an amazing mom. i love you eve and i know heavenly father does too.

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  9. Oh Eve my heart breaks for you. I could not imagine having to go through something so heart breaking as loosing my children . You have such amazing strength. It is great comfort to have the gospel knowledge that we do to help us get through these impossible experiences. We love you Tim and Eve.

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  10. Oh Eve, I'm so sorry. Hang in there if you can. I'll pray for you always. I'm so sorry!

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  11. Eve! I'm so glad you posted this. I felt the same way--I jut couldn't bear having to tell my story to everyone I saw. And sometimes it felt so good just to release some of my feelings to the blog world.

    I am so glad that you got to hold your babies while they were living, even if it was just for a few minutes in Titus' case. My baby wasn't alive, but being able to hold her and feel of our Heavenly Father's love for us, already strengthening us through such a rough time, was the most touching experience of my life. Tim is right--the tears will run out in time, but don't try to be too tough. Crying is cleansing--let it help. I think about you often. And am still praying for you.

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  12. Eve - you're such an amazing girl! And Tim is an amazing guy! And you now have two little angels watching over you! They are so lucky to have you and to think that in the pre-existence YOU and TIM without hesitation agreed to be the means that these two precious spirits could come to Earth and get their bodies and knew that you'd be sending them right back to the Lord because of the great, honorable work they have to do there. And for us to go through so much pain and agony to lose them here on this Earth, the work they are doing there is inconceivable! - that only select Spirits are called to do. It is, without question, an incredible work of which YOU and TIM are greatly a part of! You are precious to the Lord without doubt! Keep you focus on Him and getting back to hold your sweet babes again! The days are hard.... but take them one at a time and know that we are here for you! Undoubtedly, you have so many good people who love you... family & friends! We love you and are blessed to know you!!!

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  13. Thank you for sharing this. It truly shows the love you have for your children. Holding such a tiny little life is amazing, knowing it was exactly the same inside of you. I don't think I will ever think of a baby in the womb the same after having a preemie. Your babies are so blessed to be loved by you and you by them. I hope you find comfort in that.

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  14. What perfect babies! I love you...we love you!

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  15. I read this right after you posted it, but I didn't comment b/c I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. I've thought about you a lot and been praying for you both. I just can't imagine going through all of that. You are so strong and Heavenly Father know you and Tim could do it. You guys are amazing.

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  16. Eve it brought me to tears reading the actual story. I am very sorry you had to go through all of that. I can't imagine how hard it was to deliver those babies and know that you couldn't keep seeing them every day after. You are blessed though to now know that you can get pregnant. Those spirits had another plan for them and it's amazing that you got to be with them for a short time. Just remember they are up there in heaven making room for you and your family once you are all ready. Heavenly Father has a purpose for us all. Be strong!! Love you tons!

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  17. Eve and Tim,
    I was on military duty when I got an urgent text from Suzi. I called and my heart broke for you when I heard what was happening. I had to have another sergeant take over the class I was teaching.
    I am very thankful that you are recovering. I hope that you know you can call on us any time you need.
    We love you. I will share with you my testimony that Your Children will indeed be with you again as you enjoy the blessings provided by our Heavenly Father and our elder brother Jesus Christ.

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