It feels like a bad dream that i cant wake up from...

On Sunday morning 8/2/09 i woke up feeling normal, i went to church and came home. During church i kept feeling like i had to go #2 the entire time, when i got home i went to the bathroom and when i pushed my water broke. My sister Camilla was living with me she called the ambulance. They took me to Mercy Gilbert hospital (my sister mom & dad met me there) in triage the doctor told me that i was dilated to a 10 & baby A's sack had been ruptured and i was going to deliver both the babies within 15 mins and they would both be born alive and i would hold both, but both would pass away within 1 hour. The only thing i could think about was that i was going to have to go through this entire process alone, without my husband, I felt so alone and helpless. When they took me to labor and delivery another doctor came in and checked me and said that i was only at a 2! I was soo happy and this was the 1st time i had hope that i might not loose both my babies. Tim flu in the next morning, on the first flight out from North Carolina. Over the next 4 days i had lots of blood work, ultrasounds & the babies heart was monitored all several times daily. Both the heart beats were strong even though baby A's sack had basically no fluid in it, the doctors told me that there was a chance that the sack could seal its self and the fluid would fill back up, they also said that some babies can live without a full sack of fluid...everything was an 'if'. Everything leaned on if i would develop an infection...& if so they would induce me. On 8/6/09 i woke up with some contractions...but today i was finally 20 weeks pregnant and could finally be excepted by PPA (its a high risk group of doctors) and since Mercy Gilbert told me daily that there was nothing they could do to stop the contractions and that i had to let nature take its course i was more then ready to be discharged. We went to PPA in Mesa and while at the doctors office (with no meds) i went into labor with my son and delivered right on the chair where you would get your Pap done. My Mom and Tim were at my side. While i was delivering the doc called an ambulance and as soon as i delivered i was able to hold my son for less then 5 mins and we where takin away in separate ambulances' to Banner Desert. That was the last time i saw my son alive. He was 10 ounces & 9 inches long, tiny, but with perfect, little everything.
When i arrived at Banner Desert everything was then pushed into high gear to save baby B since her sack was still perfect. She needed to stay in me until week 24 (at that point she can be delivered and had a chance at life). They put me on magnesium (its a major muscle re-laxer ) i couldnt move my body at all, it makes you feel paralyzed, it makes you have hot & cold flashes & you cant see because your eyes are so relaxed, i honestly felt like i was going to die. They would also give my about 5-6 shots daily of terbutaline, all to stop the contractions & keep baby B inside for as long as possible. Over the next couple days i showed positive signs of no infection and was given hope daily that i might be able to save my daughter. On 8/8/09 i was given a spinal and went in to surgery get my cervix sewed up and would hopefully remain on bed rest as long as possible without getting an infection. On 8/9/09 i woke up in the morning having a hard time breathing, i was consciously having to think about every breath, i started shaking uncontrollably and was all the sudden freezing, this went on for several hours then at one point about 5 doctors and several nurses came in and kept looking at my finger nails (i guess they had turned blue) they explained to me that i had developed ARDS (my lungs had fluid in them) & i had developed an infection and i had to be induced, now. As i was run to the ICU the lung doctor had pulled Tim and my mom and dad aside and advised them what he didnt tell me about ARDS. He advised them that i had a 50/50 chance of survival. During this time i was in the ICU and they got me stabilized and started the induction process. They gave me an epidural so that it would help clam down my shaking and breathing so that i could deliver without passing out. My Mom and Tim were in the room when i delivered my daughter. She was 11 ounces 10 inches. After almost 10 days in the hospital without one second to think about what was actually happening to me i finally got to hold my perfect daughter in my arms. Her heart was beating & she could wrap her long little fingers around my finger and squeeze. It was amazing, i could finally hold my baby girl. Since i could hardly breath on my own i knew that if i broke down and cried the way i wanted to that the nurse would have to take her away from me and stabilize me again, so i had to hold my little girl with no tears. We watched her heart beat for a little over an hour. We held her, i looked at every inch of her body and tried to memorize everything about her warm body. She was so perfect. She had every feature needed, she had my lips and nose. Her shoulders legs feet and hands were Tim's. She didnt cry, open her eyes, or even move much at all...Tim and i just held her close.
Daily my lungs started to clear up and showed less and less fluid & the infection was going away. It was the hardest being in the hospital for just my health knowing that even if i am tuff and stick it out i am still going home empty handed.
I felt like if i wrote about what happened it will make me feel just that little bit better and i wont have to explain everything to everyone. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.