Sunday, August 30, 2009

Road trip & just being home...

Since Tim had to fly down from NC on such short notice to make it to the hospital asap he had to leave everything their including our car and all of his belongings. After getting settled in from the hospital we decided that we would just make a road trip out of it. My close friend Melissa got us buddy passes so we could fly for free (Thanks again Melissa!!).
We stayed in NC for 1 night and hung out with everyone Tim worked with during the summer and Jen cut and colored my hair...i really needed it (Thanks Jen, i love it:).
We drove from NC to Nashville TN then to Oklahoma City then stayed in Albuquerque NM & drove home to AZ. It was so nice to be in no rush and just be able to enjoy the drive and make as many stops as we wanted. Im so glad to have my car back im so sick of driving our truck and having to fill it up almost every time i drive it...!
Being home from the hospital has been really hard for me. Just trying to adjust and get back to a "normal" life, sucks. I hate not being pregnant. I hate that i cant feel my son and daughter moving around inside me. I hate that i dont have my due date to look forward to. I hate that i cant stop crying, Tim told me one night when i was sad and couldnt stop the tears from coming that i am going to cry out all of my tears... i dont see how thats possible :( I hate that every time i get into my truck i think to myself how difficult it was to get into it when i was pregnant, or anything i do i think about the last time i did it and that it was when i was pregnant. I hate not having a cute belly. I hate that after everything that happened i cant choose when i want to be reminded and think about everything on my own time and when i want to be sad about it, but that i have to deal with medical bills and the funeral...and people. I hate that i now have to just start doing laundry, dishes, go to church, and just go back to 'life' after everything happened. Its a weird feeling, that i am just me again, not pregnant and with no children...again. Just Eve & Tim. As hard as it is to swallow i do know that everything happens for a reason...Not sure why and i probably wont find out until i am with my children again but i KNOW there is a reason. I know that Tim and i sat down with the Lord in heaven and decided that after trying for 2 years to get pregnant and then after doing IVF fertility that i would get pregnant with twins...a boy and a girl, and they would be born, alive, but would pass away soon after and that we could handle that and that Tim and i are strong enough to get through it. Honestly, that is the only thing i have been able to hold onto. Every time i get sad this pops into my head... 'I never said it would be easy...But i said it would be worth it'...There is a reason...i know it!!!

This is me now. It feels weird not being pregnant, i catch myself with my hand on my stomach out of habit... Im glad i dont have a left over tummy cause that would just make things worse.

We are at Cadillac Ranch in TX! This was the only thing Tim said that we HAD to do on the drive home! It was fun to spray paint...Its crazy to think some farmer long ago decided to stick 8 cars into the ground...Only a man would think to do something like this...

This is the largest cross in the the sign said...Tim is saying a quick prayer

Outside the Grand Ole Opry House in Nashville TN. It was soo fun to hang out in Nashville so many fun things to do...the people are so nice and i love how they talk...I love Tennessee, its so beautiful, i would love to live there.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It feels like a bad dream that i cant wake up from...

On Sunday morning 8/2/09 i woke up feeling normal, i went to church and came home. During church i kept feeling like i had to go #2 the entire time, when i got home i went to the bathroom and when i pushed my water broke. My sister Camilla was living with me she called the ambulance. They took me to Mercy Gilbert hospital (my sister mom & dad met me there) in triage the doctor told me that i was dilated to a 10 & baby A's sack had been ruptured and i was going to deliver both the babies within 15 mins and they would both be born alive and i would hold both, but both would pass away within 1 hour. The only thing i could think about was that i was going to have to go through this entire process alone, without my husband, I felt so alone and helpless. When they took me to labor and delivery another doctor came in and checked me and said that i was only at a 2! I was soo happy and this was the 1st time i had hope that i might not loose both my babies. Tim flu in the next morning, on the first flight out from North Carolina. Over the next 4 days i had lots of blood work, ultrasounds & the babies heart was monitored all several times daily. Both the heart beats were strong even though baby A's sack had basically no fluid in it, the doctors told me that there was a chance that the sack could seal its self and the fluid would fill back up, they also said that some babies can live without a full sack of fluid...everything was an 'if'. Everything leaned on if i would develop an infection...& if so they would induce me. On 8/6/09 i woke up with some contractions...but today i was finally 20 weeks pregnant and could finally be excepted by PPA (its a high risk group of doctors) and since Mercy Gilbert told me daily that there was nothing they could do to stop the contractions and that i had to let nature take its course i was more then ready to be discharged. We went to PPA in Mesa and while at the doctors office (with no meds) i went into labor with my son and delivered right on the chair where you would get your Pap done. My Mom and Tim were at my side. While i was delivering the doc called an ambulance and as soon as i delivered i was able to hold my son for less then 5 mins and we where takin away in separate ambulances' to Banner Desert. That was the last time i saw my son alive. He was 10 ounces & 9 inches long, tiny, but with perfect, little everything.
When i arrived at Banner Desert everything was then pushed into high gear to save baby B since her sack was still perfect. She needed to stay in me until week 24 (at that point she can be delivered and had a chance at life). They put me on magnesium (its a major muscle re-laxer ) i couldnt move my body at all, it makes you feel paralyzed, it makes you have hot & cold flashes & you cant see because your eyes are so relaxed, i honestly felt like i was going to die. They would also give my about 5-6 shots daily of terbutaline, all to stop the contractions & keep baby B inside for as long as possible. Over the next couple days i showed positive signs of no infection and was given hope daily that i might be able to save my daughter. On 8/8/09 i was given a spinal and went in to surgery get my cervix sewed up and would hopefully remain on bed rest as long as possible without getting an infection. On 8/9/09 i woke up in the morning having a hard time breathing, i was consciously having to think about every breath, i started shaking uncontrollably and was all the sudden freezing, this went on for several hours then at one point about 5 doctors and several nurses came in and kept looking at my finger nails (i guess they had turned blue) they explained to me that i had developed ARDS (my lungs had fluid in them) & i had developed an infection and i had to be induced, now. As i was run to the ICU the lung doctor had pulled Tim and my mom and dad aside and advised them what he didnt tell me about ARDS. He advised them that i had a 50/50 chance of survival. During this time i was in the ICU and they got me stabilized and started the induction process. They gave me an epidural so that it would help clam down my shaking and breathing so that i could deliver without passing out. My Mom and Tim were in the room when i delivered my daughter. She was 11 ounces 10 inches. After almost 10 days in the hospital without one second to think about what was actually happening to me i finally got to hold my perfect daughter in my arms. Her heart was beating & she could wrap her long little fingers around my finger and squeeze. It was amazing, i could finally hold my baby girl. Since i could hardly breath on my own i knew that if i broke down and cried the way i wanted to that the nurse would have to take her away from me and stabilize me again, so i had to hold my little girl with no tears. We watched her heart beat for a little over an hour. We held her, i looked at every inch of her body and tried to memorize everything about her warm body. She was so perfect. She had every feature needed, she had my lips and nose. Her shoulders legs feet and hands were Tim's. She didnt cry, open her eyes, or even move much at all...Tim and i just held her close.
Daily my lungs started to clear up and showed less and less fluid & the infection was going away. It was the hardest being in the hospital for just my health knowing that even if i am tuff and stick it out i am still going home empty handed.
I felt like if i wrote about what happened it will make me feel just that little bit better and i wont have to explain everything to everyone. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Eve is in the hospital with Tim at her side.

This is Tim currently blogging for Eve while she is lying in her hospital bed.For those of you who don't know Eve's water broke on Sunday after church.This is not good news because she is only nineteen weeks four days.Baby A's sack (Titus the boy)has burst.The baby has to have this sack to develop his or her lungs. Well she is to early to go into preterm labor but once the sack burst it is making her go into labor she is having contractions and is dilated to a two.So this is a waiting game.The baby has lost his fluid but still has a strong heart beat.We are waiting to see if there will be an infection due to the leaking.Baby b (Blake) is fine.But the infection will affect her.This means there is a high possibility that we will loose both babies.We are trying to make it to twenty four weeks without an infection also trying to avoid going into full labor.The odds are all against us but all we can do is wait and pray.This is by far the hardest thing we have ever had to go through,so keep us in your prayers.We will keep you updated as we can not call everyone back.Thanks for the prayers and support Love Tim and Eve.