ive been having a really tough time with the way i look. (i know everyone says they go through this after delivering a baby... so i guess it my turn). Ive always been the first to say dont complain if your not doing anything about it! so this is me complaining...yet i am doing something about it. but i need to vent. i hate my body. i hate to look in the mirror. everything about myself, i can always find a flaw. i feel bad for Tim to have to see me naked. i keep my shirt on when we have sex. i dont have anything to wear that i like and i refuse to spend money on fat clothes. i hate it. i truly do. this is an honest post. i guess i didnt really believe it when people said that your body changes after having kids. but it doesnt just change, its ruins it. ive never felt like this before. ive always been skinny, never had to really think about being fat. then you get pregnant and feel cute throughout your entire pregnancy, getting a cute hard belly. but BAMB you give birth, and your tummy turns from hard and cute to soft and gross. i feel like i literally GAVE my hot body to sky and zane, as if i gave up having a no stretchmarks and flat tummy to my kids so they could enjoy having nice bodies throughout their life`s, while i am left with stretched skin, stretchmarks that seem an inch deep you can almost see my insides, and then on top of everything i cant fit into anything.
okay, that was me venting. now for the prep talk. i am constantly working out, i love running, swimming laps, and i am doing all of it, all the time. eating good really isnt that hard when you hate what you see in the mirror, i feel like all i eat is tuna from the can, turkey burgers, fish and brown rice. i know in time i will loose the weight and that i will also have a sexy body again....WITH CLOTHES ON. & i think i am okay with that, the only person that sees me naked is Tim, the world sees me clothed, so i know i can be cute that way. i need to be skinny for me, for myself and for my husband. tim says he loves me no matter what...but what man wouldnt prefer a skinny wife then an over weight one?? an honest man shouldnt lie about that?! i know i would hate it if my spouse wasnt what he used to look like. i would still love him, but it would just be different.
now that i have kids...working out is my way out. literally. my out. i run outside and get away for an hour or more a day. i enjoy being away. even if i dont feel like working out i still do, if only to get some alone time.
i love the spirit that dwells inside me, i love my testimony and what life has taught me, death, hate, love, the birth of my 4 children, but i dont love my body. but with all of these things i have a choice, and i choose to be healthy, strong in the church and believe in myself...that i can do it, that i can love myself the way i did before the twins. i want to be a hot mom, and i cant wait to make that happen!!!
Eve I know exactly how you feel! I get feeling so down about myself and how gross I feel, but every once in a while I'll get a positive attitude and realize how worth it it is to have that baby boy!
ReplyDeleteI thought you looked so good in the pics you posted of you right after you had the babies. You are absolutely gorgeous, whether you feel that way or not! Be patient! You have three month old twins for heavens sake!
ps...thanks for your sweet comment on my blog, but I can assure you I am FAR from skinny! Must have been a flattering picture haha.
It's so good that you are focusing on the spiritual side of yourself first and foremost. That is the most important and will ultimately make you feel the best about yourself. After all, even the most beautiful girls in the world are never satisfied without feeling the spirit and feeling the love of God.
ReplyDeleteWith that being said there is nothing wrong with wanting to look better for yourself and your spouse. I think it's safe to assume that although it's nice when others compliment how good you look, it's your own opinion that haunts you the most. Unfortunately in the female word of size and hormones everyone is different so any advice I might have to offer might not work as well for you as it did for me. I can tell you that twins equals twice the damage which might require twice the recovery time and twice the sacrifice and work.
I completely admire your ambition and attitude! It takes discipline and self control to eat plain tuna more than once a week (qualities I lack entirely). My theory is that your body is just in the process of finding it's balance again. Between the dramatic hormone changes of having TWINS, the serious decrease of sleep, and the new diet/work out regime, your body is most likely taking a time out to evaluate how it is going to respond. All I can say is hang in there and the results will soon follow. In the mean time you can feel satisfied knowing we all think you look stunning!
I love how honest and real your post is. I feel so gross being pregnant and I too feel bad for my poor husband to have to look at my ever increasing body.
ReplyDeleteI have a new admiration for my mother and all other mothers. The sacrifices to be a mom are great, but I am sure the rewards are pretty great too.
Keep up the good work, the pounds will melt away but it takes way a lot of time to loose what tooke nine months to gain. :-)
Ah lady, I wish I had some magical words of wisdom for you. After I had Brendon I remember being horrified when I looked in the mirror to find that a weird form of a box had taken the place of my curves. You're working on it so you'll be great in time. I still think you're a sexy mamma!
ReplyDeleteI fully agree! My body will never be the same. Just remember you had two babies at once an it took you nine months to put on the weight! give your self time to take it off. My body worked it's self back over TIME. Your body will naturally hold on to fat until you no longer are BF. at least mine does. You are so motivated to work it off i am sure it will happen for you in no time. Love you girl! Just remember your hubby loves you no matter what and he means it. It just takes us time to believe it;)
ReplyDeleteHey you are doing great! I wish I could come run with you! I know exactly what you mean though. It's so hard to see your skinny body slowly morph into a pregnant one and then a post pregnant one is the worst. But you will totally be all skinny again soon!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't suck, BECAUSE IT DOES! And if anyone tells you otherwise they are liars!!!
ReplyDeleteBeing honest with yourself and knowing how you feel is a huge step to making it happen so I commend you on that!
The best advice I can offer is to avoid/get rid of all mirrors. Honestly, that is what I do for the first few months after pregnancy. Sometimes you have to feel good, get dressed, and just go on with your day and not ruin it by seeing yourself in the mirror. And, as you continue to do what you're doing you will gain the confidence (and body) back that you want and one day you'll look back in the mirror and will surprise yourself.
Sidenote, you need to make sure you give yourself a treat every once in a while and break up the food you eat. If you eat the same thing all the time your body will get used to it and you won't get as many results. The BEST treat is sugar free fudgesicles or frozen go-gurt yogurt sticks. Healthy, but the feeling of indulgent! Yum!
Keep up the good work. I promise you'll be much prouder after having put a lot of effort, sweat, and time into it than those girls that don't have to loose baby weight (those girls will not exist when I am a god and create my own worlds!).
Love ya!
I know how you feel! I feel like nothing will evert be as tight or perky as it was before Reg and its been five months. But like you said only our husbands see us naked...We can just do it with the lights off:)
ReplyDeleteMiranda
Hey Eve! I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, I just want you to know that I admire you for working so hard at it and being so honest! It's easy to hate yourself but tell yourself you just had a baby so it's okay and then continue eating bad etc, until that fat never leaves ha! I wish I had as much motivation as you, you'll get there in no time! I need to start workin out with you so I can actually get myself to do it..
ReplyDeleteI went through the same thing and am still going through it. Ammon is 7 months old tomorrow. I was sure everything was going to look the same way it did before, but my poor body will never be the same.... we need to get together soon!
ReplyDeleteThere have been alot of good things said here already. And I wish I had something magical to say to make everything all better. But I don't. What I will say is that from pics I have seen of you on here and facebook and such, you are absolutely beautiful. But I also understand that we are our worst critics. And no matter how many OTHER people tell us things, the only way we are going to view ourselves is the way that we already do.
ReplyDeleteEating right and working out are important steps and they will lead you in the right direction. HOWEVER.... Your body will NEVER be the same as it was pre-pregnancy. NEVER. I hate to say that. And I don't say it to be mean or rude or whatever. But all of us that have had babies know this truth personally, don't we??? Pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood changes a woman inside and out. There is no way around it. Having children is wonderful and amazing and such an incredible blessing and I echo the words of others by saying it is all totally worth it! But that does not mean that we aren't left with some disappointment over the havoc wreaked upon our bodies by our precious little ones. So we make goals and invest in heavy-duty workout programs that we're SURE will get us back to *sexy*. Then, weeks later, we're demanding a refund because it seems as though that flawless workout program was a scam! We may have lost some weight and feel a bit healthier, but when we look in the mirror we feel betrayed that we're not competition for the Victoria's Secret models. *sigh* It is a vicious cycle that will continue throughout the rest of our lives as we perhaps have more children and get older.
The real secret is to overcome those inner demons whispering to you that you're not "good enough, thin enough, pretty enough". At risk of sounding like a church lesson here, the reality is that those whisperings are coming from Satan himself. And guess what? He's just jealous. He's pained by the hard, cold fact that he will NEVER have a body.
The trick is to learn to love yourself for who you are and what you are. Emotionally, spiritually, and PHYSICALLY. Eve, you will lose the weight in time. And you will start feeling better and better as time goes on and you continue to make smart, healthy choices. But you will never get back that pre-pregnancy body. But that is not something to be saddened by. Learn to love YOUR body, (stretch marks, scars, widened hips and all) for the absolute BEAUTIFUL miracle that it truly is. You may not have the body of a supermodel, but you having something far better. You have the body of a REAL WOMAN-- a MOTHER. =) **hugs**