Today

I finally told myself this next step i have to take IS real and i have to start planning and getting things ready for the funeral. It was super hard to pick up the phone and call the funeral homes, to tell the lady on the phone that i wanted my babies to be put into the same casket and to discuss my options. Its truly unreal that i am having to bury my babies, it just makes it that much harder. I do feel like i will get some closure when this is all taken care of but in the moment its a horrible thing to face...
I know i am doing a great job at dealing with my situation, but just those little things remind me that im not.
Today i called the Dentist to pay my bill (all the girls in the office know me by name cause i am in their so often) after i paid it, the girl Heidi asked in a cheerful voice 'how are the babies doing', my heart sank, i wanted to hang up but i knew i would probably see her again soon so that wasnt an option...i told her that i lost them both...and then i lost it, just balling on the phone with 'Heidi' the dentist billing lady...she started to cry and said sorry, we hung up. I knew in time this would happen with somebody that would ask that same question and im sure itll happen again, i just didnt know how i would react. Day by day things do get better, i am in a way...happy, im healthy, i have my husband to hold and we have eachother. I am thankful for the things i have and the things i have lost...

9/11

On this special day take a minute and think about who you have that's touchable and not what you have lost. Say a prayer for the families that lost someone 8 yrs ago today. Be thankful that you have the gospel and know that you can see your loved ones again someday.

Road trip & just being home...

Since Tim had to fly down from NC on such short notice to make it to the hospital asap he had to leave everything their including our car and all of his belongings. After getting settled in from the hospital we decided that we would just make a road trip out of it. My close friend Melissa got us buddy passes so we could fly for free (Thanks again Melissa!!).
We stayed in NC for 1 night and hung out with everyone Tim worked with during the summer and Jen cut and colored my hair...i really needed it (Thanks Jen, i love it:).
We drove from NC to Nashville TN then to Oklahoma City then stayed in Albuquerque NM & drove home to AZ. It was so nice to be in no rush and just be able to enjoy the drive and make as many stops as we wanted. Im so glad to have my car back im so sick of driving our truck and having to fill it up almost every time i drive it...!
Being home from the hospital has been really hard for me. Just trying to adjust and get back to a "normal" life, sucks. I hate not being pregnant. I hate that i cant feel my son and daughter moving around inside me. I hate that i dont have my due date to look forward to. I hate that i cant stop crying, Tim told me one night when i was sad and couldnt stop the tears from coming that i am going to cry out all of my tears... i dont see how thats possible :( I hate that every time i get into my truck i think to myself how difficult it was to get into it when i was pregnant, or anything i do i think about the last time i did it and that it was when i was pregnant. I hate not having a cute belly. I hate that after everything that happened i cant choose when i want to be reminded and think about everything on my own time and when i want to be sad about it, but that i have to deal with medical bills and the funeral...and people. I hate that i now have to just start doing laundry, dishes, go to church, and just go back to 'life' after everything happened. Its a weird feeling, that i am just me again, not pregnant and with no children...again. Just Eve & Tim. As hard as it is to swallow i do know that everything happens for a reason...Not sure why and i probably wont find out until i am with my children again but i KNOW there is a reason. I know that Tim and i sat down with the Lord in heaven and decided that after trying for 2 years to get pregnant and then after doing IVF fertility that i would get pregnant with twins...a boy and a girl, and they would be born, alive, but would pass away soon after and that we could handle that and that Tim and i are strong enough to get through it. Honestly, that is the only thing i have been able to hold onto. Every time i get sad this pops into my head... 'I never said it would be easy...But i said it would be worth it'...There is a reason...i know it!!!

This is me now. It feels weird not being pregnant, i catch myself with my hand on my stomach out of habit... Im glad i dont have a left over tummy cause that would just make things worse.

We are at Cadillac Ranch in TX! This was the only thing Tim said that we HAD to do on the drive home! It was fun to spray paint...Its crazy to think some farmer long ago decided to stick 8 cars into the ground...Only a man would think to do something like this...

This is the largest cross in the world...so the sign said...Tim is saying a quick prayer

Outside the Grand Ole Opry House in Nashville TN. It was soo fun to hang out in Nashville so many fun things to do...the people are so nice and i love how they talk...I love Tennessee, its so beautiful, i would love to live there.